My First Random Thought

I can't seem to study for my bio exam on Tuesday. Instead, my mind drifts off into other worlds where I imagine myself living other lives with other people.

I keep thinking about this story I'm writing in the other blog I do, my fiction blog. I keep thinking about the chapters ahead, even though I know I should be worrying about school. Then, even further in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about another story that I want to write, which I will keep quiet about for now until I can fully account about it.

I did something interesting today, something I would've never seen myself ever doing if it wasn't for me ever getting sober. Last night, after the meeting, a couple of friends and I went and got something to eat. In the midst of our conversation, I told some bullshit, made up story and got away with it. All day today, it bugged me to the point that I felt like I was in the Tell Tale Heart, and I was going to give myself away at any moment. Finally, I called him up, and I told the truth, and I expected this big thing, where I had to explain myself, make some apologies- instead, it was no big deal. It took a matter of minutes.

It's strange developing a sense of morals, or at least becoming tuned into a sense of morals. I don't think ever in my life I ever really believed in an acute sense of honesty, integrity, and all those things that make people dependable. Of course, in the past, I considered myself a decent person, and maybe I was, it's just I was too selfish to really see passed myself. All I ever wanted was to benefit from whatever I could.

I'm finally starting to get used to San Antonio. I'm a small town kid- well, at least towns of the range of 60,000 to 100,000 depending if it's summer of the school year. Growing up in college towns, following my father, that's what I became used to, that summer school year shift. I'm used to towns like Stony Brook, New York, Princeton, New Jersey, Palo Alto, California, College Station, Texas (where I spent half my life), Ann Arbor, Michigan (where I went to college). Kerrville, Texas was too small (about 20,000 or less), and the three years I spent in Chicago, I was in '91-'93, so cognitively, it didn't really matter to me, and the time I spent in Detroit was quite short.

It's taking time for me to get used to the hustle of San Antonio. This city is now the officially fastest growing city in America and just passed Houston to become the eighth biggest city in America. I get lost sometimes just trying to get something to eat. People give me directions, use things like, "Go under the loop," and I have no idea what the hell they are talking about. In College Station, you just need to know I-6 and you're okay. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic just walking outside. Do I sound like a country boy? I probably do, but people here call me a Yankee, probably because my accent (a mix of northern, with probably a resonance of my parents Brazilian accents, my own probably being gone).

Either way, I feel like I'm starting to get used to the pace of the city. How the traffic flows, and how everyone just feels devoid of emotion and it just seems impossible for another to notice one another to notice each other. I'm reminded of the introduction to the movie "Crash," where Don Cheadle talks about how we just miss the human touch. That's what this city reminds me of. Everyone here moves so robotically- where no one can look each other in the eyes. And in this big city, it is so easy to be alone.

Is this why so many girls dress down, making themselves eye candy and trash for guys to manipulate them and think of them as objects? Is this why so many guys act like pricks and assholes getting fucked up and fighting at bars (which I'm ashamed to say I used to participate in)? Is this why we try so hard to become someone we're not so that someone we don't know will never know who we are? That way someone will never know who we are. We live in cities full of people that don't know each other, except by name. We live in cities full of people that don't know themselves. We live in empty cities full of dreamers and silent observers wishing they had just one chance to whisper one ounce of truth to just one ear that is willing to listen.

Maybe I'm over generalizing, but I can't remember being able to look someone in the eyes and say, "Hey I'm Sketch, and this is what I'm scared to say, but hell, I'm going to say it anyway."

Maybe I'm just a weaker person.