Why I Feel Like Sometimes I'm Getting Old

Between arguments I have with my friends after meetings as to where we should go to eat (either the Village Inn or Jim's, which is arguably the same, just we can smoke at Jim's), or which cereal is better (Frosted Mini- Wheats vs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch) I sit in these classes at school that I have to take because it's been five years since I entered college and I'm transferring to UTSA from out of state. So, I'm surrounded by freshman in three freshman classes I take (I do have a coup d'gra (sp?), in a junior level, which is where I'm classified, poli sci class) right now, and it's a bit disconcerting. They're all so young and healthy looking. I need to shave.

So I'm sitting in my bio class, and this cute little girl sits down next to me, and we start about the class, which, being bio, I have no idea about. Biology is like speaking a different language to me. You could speak in German to me, and I would respond, "Is that a bio thing? Should I right that down? Spell that for me, please." And so, this girl and I start talking, and I mention how I haven't taken a bio class since my freshman year of high school, which just to clarify why this story scared me, was in 1998. While I'm still young at 23, what happened next made me want to cry. So, I tell this girl I haven't been in a bio class since my freshman year of high school, she says, yeah, I took it in high school too, thank God it wasn't that long ago, though, right? That
"right?" at the end just wasn't "right." That's when I realized she thought I was her age. That's when I looked at her- "Well, not really. I took this course in '98." "Christ!" she says. (Seriously, I'm not joking.) This girl just graduated high school. So I did the math. That means she entered high school in 2003. I graduated in 2002. So, when I graduated high school, she still had one more year to go before she even entered high school. Which means, furthermore, that when I was a freshman in high school, she was in fourth grade. And then my mind started regressing some more. The freshman in high school now, they were born in 1993! 1993! Nineteen-motherfucking-three (pardon my biology)! In 1993, I was in fourth grade. It's all so sad.

Then, I looked around the room, and I didn't know how to react. Sitting upon at least 85% percent of the students' desks were laptops. I remember when I was in college that if you pulled laptop, which was not necessarily a rarity, but at least was combating with desktops (and wireless was unheard of) out in class, your prof would tell you to put it away. Now, I see everyone with a laptop out. Of course, only half of the are actually taking notes. The rest are on myspace or some other waste of time like that... why do I feel an irony saying that? Anyway, as I sit here and take notes by hand, I think about my laptop back home, the one I'm typing on now which I've owned for about 2 weeks. This thing scares me. I remember the computer I had growing up. I shared it with my father, and it about the time to make a sandwich and eat half of it to load up, and man, I thought it was fast. 33 mhz, baby! And a modem, 55 kilohertz. Now, those speeds are jokes. I bet just reading those numbers, you laughed a little to yourself.

Now, here's the thing that really kills me. Right now, as we speak, my friend Leah is in labor. I've know Leah since I was ten years old, and I've know her husband since I was nine. I knew them and was friends with them before they were friends with each other. I lived with Leah (she let me sleep on her couch for a few months while I was homeless, right when she started hanging out and dating Shaun, interestingly enough) even, and I was a groom's man in their wedding. They mean a lot to me, and I've known them for most of my life- they are like family, and I can remember us being young. I still remember Shaun and me playing basketball my driveway on my house on Celinda Cr., or playing Doom on his computer. I still remember making Leah laugh in our fifth grade reading class with my stupid little jokes. Now, they're about to be parents with college degrees and full time, real life jobs.

That, people, is something amazing. I am at that stage. I am at that stage where I am beyond the teenage "what does it all mean, who am I?" searching of the soul, questioning all the intrinsic things. Now, I wonder "who am I becoming? Who do I want to become, and who with?" and somewhat importantly, "did I live the days of my youth well?" I start looking at the past with less of a glory eyed nostalgia, and more like a father within myself, smiling gracefully when I pinpoint certain moments and now I can say, "there, right there, that's something that made me who I am." And with a tacit certainty, I quit looking back at the days of my youth, but I take them with me now and I scan for pieces of answers to the questions that come as I grow older.

I don't know. I just feel happy for Shaun and Leah. My prayers go to them. For now, I'm out. I'm going to play my guitar and lament that I was one question away from making an "a" on my biology exam.